So, I’m sitting at home. Alone. Drinking tea. On a Friday night.
I’m so not used to this.
I know this is what I need though. To prioritise the things I actually want 12 months down the track will mean I have to make these sorts of sacrifices. It still doesn’t help that while everyone is out socialising and having a good time, I’m stuck at home talking to a computer.
It’s just so strange. I’ve spoken to all my friends about my position in life at the moment and where I want to be and I got into this really intense conversation with my friend about it. Why do we have to go to bars and clubs and drink ourselves into a coma to have fun? We never just go out to dinner or hang out at home to enjoy ourselves. She thinks it’s because we’re just young and it’s a “rite of passage”. I think it’s more.
I love my friend, she’s great. She’s supportive, driven, funny, reliable, all the things you could think of in someone that you love. But the qualities that make her, sometime hinder her. Everytime we go out together, you can guarantee that by the end of the night, she’s hanging off the arm of some guy she just met. In turn, I hang off the arm of the friend. I think the reason she wants to give that all up is because she’ll lose any sort of male attention.
That is such a scary thought.
I mean, yeah, it’s nice to feel wanted and to feel special but come on. Everyone at that bar is oozing with liquid courage. Everyone feels confident and invincible. The beer googles make everyone look 10x better and people only want to hook up!
By the end of the night the guy gets her number, she feels better about herself and wants to go home and then the next morning, she hears nothing from them. And she’s surprised and she’s upset. And then the whole cycle starts again, because she needs another guys attention to reaffirm herself and to forget about the last one that “screwed her over”.
I get it though. It’s an addictive feeling. To feel, even if just for a second, that someone wants to be with you. Regardless of their ulterior motive, they’re working hard to keep you around. Unfortunately, the liquid courage and beer goggles wears off leaving you feeling a little bit sad the next morning. I guess now I’m used to it. Maybe it’s why I struggle with any sort of relationship. My trust in people is so low now that I can’t sincerely believe that anyone likes me when I’m sober.
Maybe it’s not such a bad thing that I’m home alone on a Friday night.